Conflicted feelings

If you've been following my blog (or to future me when I look back at these posts in a few years and laugh), you will see what a roller coaster ride this has been over the last month or so.  Recap in a nutshell: lost my job, was first very scared but then reworked the numbers and realized it was the opportunity to ramp up the plans a bit faster.  Have been working very hard on getting the house ready, and making good progress.  Started plugging my business and actually have 3 steady clients already.  In fact, yesterday, one who has committed to 32 hours a month wants to up it to 90 hours!!!  Most importantly, however, is how we psyched ourselves into living the dream sooner rather than later.  In everything we do, we try to picture ourselves in the RV.  Everything we try to purge, we ask if it will be used in the RV and where it will be stored, before giving or throwing it away.  So we are so ready to take the plunge....

But then, 2 weeks ago, I was called for a job interview back in Corporate America.  The phone interview went well and I was called back for an in-person.  I had that interview this week and I think it went very, very well.  I have a very strong feeling that I will be offered this job, as I think I have the skills and personality they're looking for.

Which leads to the conflicting feelings.  Well, not really conflicted.  Conflicted means I'm not sure how I feel and I am actually very strong in my feelings -- I do NOT want this job!!!  The thought of taking it makes me depressed and I am wishing real hard that the offer is not made (although in my gut, I think it will be).  Unfortunately, as other people have suggested, it may not be a choice I can freely make right now.  Yes, it means putting the dream back on hold for a while, but in the short term it provides more financial stability and allows us to build up the nest egg.  I don't want to give up the business I've started, but many have suggested I can do it when I come home from work (meaning working 24/7) or subcontract as much as possible.

I guess the conflict lies in following my head which says (as I often tell my rebellious son) "sometimes you have to just suck it up and do things you don't want to do," or following my heart, which is to follow my dreams and move onto the Next Chapter now.  Before the interview, we concluded that it CAN be done, so why do we need to change that now?

Anyway, I'll know their decision some time this week.  Strongly wishing this whole worrisome issue is a moot point and that someone else gets offered the job.  Then at least I'll have a good excuse to stay on track.